**sidenote: I wrote this post over 3 weeks so it might be slightly scattered and cover a lot of time**
One thing that I often forget is that with successes come failures and they are more difficult to embrace. But in my heart I know that I learn more from my failures.
This time around I've had a failure in passing my final examination for my intensive 10-wk course. It came as quite the shock despite my anxious feelings about my test performance. That anxiety was quelled because my peer group also felt similarly and I figured I was just suffering from post-test nerves. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case and while I was bombarded on facebook about everyone passing the exam etc, I received an email telling me that I needed to temporarily suspend my time at my internship and focus on studying for my re-examination in two weeks. This failure is particularly hard for me because I've never truly failed any exam in my college life and even my high school life (ignoring one particularly woeful AP chemistry test). Now, I'm not writing this to look for sympathy or pats on the back. I'm writing this post because I told myself that I wanted to give an honest opinion and log of my time here, so here goes.
I can confidently say that on that day, I experienced my first true and honest bout of homesickness. This my be surprising but I think it's important to note that I tend to make myself a new family in every place I inhabit and it always eases the difficulty of being away from home. I've also lived far away from home in my bachelors so being thousands of miles away isn't a new concept for me either. But this is the first time that I couldn't pick up the phone and call my mom or dad and hash out all of my frustrations and sadness. I couldn't even skype with them because of the 8 hrs time difference. That was hard. I've been lucky enough to have friends here that I can trust and open up to them and admit my embarrassment and sadness but they don't fill the unconditional love that comes from a parent. Regardless, they made me feel better and due to time difference I couldn't speak with my parents until the weekend. They and a number of friends I spoke to here and at home were understanding and supportive.
Now, I'm going to go negative about my experience here so far just because I think it's important to indicate that things are always roses and daisies. Inherently, moving to a new country and schooling system I would run into differences and difficulties. This issue is that I'm not necessarily appreciating the differences. My 10 wk course was a bit disappointing because I felt we never got the chance to get to the heart of the matter regardless of topic. Inherently, it's nearly impossible to go in depth when you are squeezing a years of coursework into 10 weeks but I do think there are improvements to be made. I struggled to find cohesion when my lecturer changed almost every hour each day. How can you learn to predict what they think is important when you are constantly bombarded with different opinions that do not necessarily speak with each other. Additionally, I've never taken an exam that was written by 5-8 different individuals. This was an...experience. The exam didn't feel as fluid and because I typically study based on cues I receive from the individuals, it was also a struggle. The grading is also something new to me as well but that's another matter (they do a rigid scale from 1-10). I can understand it well enough..Most frustrating is the fact that the re-examination does nothing to actually test my knowledge. One question from each cluster I failed will not elaborate on my "true" knowledge of a topic. I also don't understand why I don't see feedback on my exam either. I understand that it's further work but when you're not given much else to understand...that might be helpful.
Back to some positive vibes...
Having taken the re-exam and passed it(!!) I continue uphold these thoughts. I found it ridiculous that I studied so much material and was only tested on one topic. Additionally, I was tested on the subjects that I had passed in the original exam. How can you use this re-exam as a fair measure of competence if that happens?! Ah well, I'm happy it's all over.
Tomorrow I fly back to the US for 3 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. It will be to get away, clear my head and recharge my batteries for the upcoming 9 month internship that will undoubtedly try my patience on a number of occasions. I'm looking forward to seeing friends who've recently been engaged, new friends, old friends, lots of family and friends that are like family to me. It's going to be an excellent time. I'm also looking forward to the sunshine and lack of rain! I don't hate it too much here but sometimes...I really miss having the idyllic Los Alamos 355 days of sunshine.
The past weekend I celebrated christmas with my friends and housemates. My friends and I got together and all brought food and gifts and drank gluhwijn and spiked cider. It was truly gezellig. Me and my other american housemate introduced the secret santa gifting to our greek and chinese housemates. On top of that we also celebrated together by eating dinner at a chinese restaurant which is a cliche "Jewish Christmas" theme. It was really nice to give eachother gifts and see everyone's happy faces sharing a meal and gifts. Can't wait for more of it back at home!
Probably won't have another post until after the new year. Happy Holidays everyone!
